Just needed to spill my heart out, on a downer!?

Why am I feeling this way. I have nothing to get upset over. Maybe that's why I'm feeling like this, I have no one to think about, dream about, to wonder 'what if'. I was such an idiot. I had someone who really cared about me, to wanted me for who I was, with all my faults, disappointments and wrong doings. But do you know what I do when someone gets close to me?, I push them away. I liked him, I really liked him but I ruined it because I was a fool who couldn't stand the fact that someone may have actually fallen for me. For the reason that we could have been something. You may ask why I push him away, but the truth is I don't know. Maybe he wasn't the one I was meant to fall for for the first time, ever. But there was something about him, he was nothing like me. He was outgoing, confident, did what he wanted to do, didn't give a fly pig about what anyone thought about him and made me laugh with his cheesy lines without knowing it!. Maybe that's my problem, himself and his friends we're miles apart from my life and my life style. Maybe I was scared because of what people may think, I was scared to let down my guard and let someone see me for who I actually am, not this shy little girl who stays quiet because she's worried about what people think of her. I want more than that but maybe that will just change in time. I want to move on from him because we we're hardly anything, just 'what ifs'. My thoughts now are will I ever find someone who I can finally let my guard down for, I've never even been kissed properly because I’m that self-conscious. I don't want to end up like any of those girl from the films like '40 year old virgin' or 'never been kissed'. I'm only 17, you may say I have my life ahead of me but to me I haven’t even lived yet. Yes I have some close friends, of which I could count on one hand but not a 'best friend' no one I can fully talk to with confidence while knowing they wouldn't spill a word. Maybe it will all hit me in university I don't know but for now I just have to be content with me, to push myself to my limit, to be who I want to be. It make take me while but I’m certainly on the right path (well I hope so anyway).